Subject To Change

I feel it now. Though all this time I never thought about it. I feel a loss. I’ve lost something. Maybe the fact that I’m not in a relationship anymore is hitting me now. The reality that I can never speak to her again is sinking. Fuck. I feel so fucking stupid. It’s all my fault. I always disappoint. Sigh. I just wish I hadn’t disappointed her.

I feel like I’ve lost the oxygen that fueled my fire. I feel like I’m trying to use substitutes to make up for it. Substances rather. I hope I’m not losing myself to it. I smoked a joint today after some time – the first and last for the month. At first I felt good and jumpy. But then after eating lunch at my aunt’s place, things just sort of settled. And I could feel the weight coming down. I went to sleep after that. I was supposed to go to the beach and meet up with some friends from college but I overslept. I woke up at six. My aunt hadn’t woken me because I was in the fetal position and she thought that meant something.

I feel like I’ve let myself be disappointed too. Like I’ve indulged in hope and I should’ve known better. I felt something die inside of me when I found out the girl I was interested in thought I was too young. I felt my little bubble of hope pop. I felt a fire blow out. I don’t love her. I’m not in love with her. I don’t even know her. I’m just fascinated by her. Inspired by her. I just want to get to know her. I just want to make her smile. But even though I can still do that, I feel like it’s not enough. Maybe I’m trying too hard to move on. Ever since my first break-up I’ve moved on fast. For three months I didn’t even know if we were still going out or not. “Silence is the loudest parting word.” That line is from Amen Omen by Ben Harper. I can’t agree more. She put me through a whole month of silence, my first girlfriend. And then she talked to me spontaneously a couple of times. But after a while I realized things weren’t going back to normal. I had to move on. It wasn’t easy. I still think of her.

I feel like… I feel… like I’m still looking for something to be happy about. Because right now I have plenty of things to be upset about, but I want to feel good. I want to be optimistic. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I don’t think I can do it on my own. I need someone to show me the way. I’ve always needed a guide for these things. I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship. I just need someone to tell me I’m on the right track, or direct me to the right one if I’m not already on it. I need help.

Help me