Subject To Change

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” Buddha

Archive for November 2008

.Music Defines Mood?

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I remember listening to TNL once at night and the DJ asked the listeners if they agreed. I remember the opinions. Everyone basically agreed saying that when they’re in a bad mood music can cheer them up etc. I don’t agree that music defines your mood. I do, however, agree that there is a strong relationship between the two, but it’s more complicated than that.

In my opinion it’s your mood that first decides the music you listen to. Just now, for instance, I was in a grumpy mood and I was listening to The White Stripes’ Icky Thump album. I couldn’t stand it. So I let my mood decide what album to listen to. I went for Korn. I’m listening to the Untouchables album right now. To me a good album is one that takes you somewhere. The journey can be either long or short, meaningful or meaningless, but as long as it takes you somewhere it’s a journey. Some albums tend to go in circles, leaving you right back at where you began. Other albums, the good ones that I enjoy listening to, take you from point A to B.

So, if you’re in a bad mood and you listen to a good angry album, by the time the album’s over your mood is going to be different. Because by the time you reach the end you’re tired of feeling that way and usually the music relieves you of the stress and helps you loosen up. It has a sort of cathartic effect. Also the lyrics tend to help as well, but this is only if you actually listen, and I know most people don’t. And the same goes when you’re depressed. Music doesn’t reverse your mood. It takes you to the next logical location. So, if you’re in a good mood, it would probably get you high or just maintain that(depending on the album).

But you won’t always end up in a better mood and there are certain factors that decide this. One is how good the album is. If the album resolves itself by the end you’ll be fine, but if it just further complicates things – you’re fucked. Another factor is your willingness to let the music change your mood. If you’re in a bad mood and you want stay in it, you most probably will. Why would anyone want to be in a bad mood? How the fuck would I know? Go ask an emo. -.-

If you let yourself go and surrender to the music, a good album can take you places. Right now I feel quite relieved. Especially after Thoughtless played. I think I’m out of things to say about this. Alone I Break is playing right now. There’s still a few more songs to go. I’ll end this post with a video. The first time I saw this I found it a little disturbing, but as with most videos (especially Tool music videos) I develop an understanding after watching it a few times. I love this video.

Thoughtless by Korn


.Helping Yourself

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No one can help you if you’re not willing to help yourself. No one is going to bother caring about you when you don’t care about yourself. Even if they do they will get sick of it soon. You have to make the changes. You can’t expect someone to come rescue you. When life gives you lemons, fuck it and move on. You don’t let it bring you down, because then you have more damage to fix. There is nothing in this life that you will go through that you can’t get past except for death. Anything that needs to be done can be done. What you can’t do you don’t need to. But you can’t tell yourself what you can and can’t do. Neither can anyone else. You try everything and prove it to yourself.

Your body should tell your mind what you’re capable of. Your eyes should tell your mind what you see. Your senses should tell your mind what they sense.  Not the other way around. Your mind is what sets the limits on your senses and your body. You are not as small and needy as you think. You are not weak and helpless. You are not “doomed”. You don’t need anyone if you have yourself. But you have to respect yourself first – all aspects of yourself. 

Feeling ashamed isn’t going to help.
Feeling insecure doesn’t make you human.
Suffering doesn’t mean you feel pain.
Feeling numb doesn’t mean you’re immune.
Struggling doesn’t mean you’re fighting.
And losing doesn’t mean it’s over.
It never ends.
There is no finish line.
Stop looking for one.

The Finish Line.

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I see you lying in my arms – I’ll never forget that
I hear you lying to my face – I’ll never forgive that
I see you lying in his arms – I never could face that
These memories will always haunt me… even though…

You said “I don’t need you and I don’t want you around”
You said “I don’t want you but I think I miss you”
And you said “You’re the only thing that I’ve never been sure of.
You’re the only one I love but I hate the sight of.”

You see me. Look into my heart – You know it’s all yours.
You hear me singing you these songs – You know they’re for you
You see him. He’s all you want – I never could give you
So you leave me. You were in his arms when you said…

You said “I don’t need you and I don’t want you around”
You said “I don’t want you but I think I miss you”
And you said “You’re the only thing that I’ve never been sure of.
And you said “You’re the one I love but I hate the sight of you.”

I’m runnin’ forward
And I’m reachin’ out
I’m getting closer
But I’m pulling back at the same time

I’m runnin’ forward
And I’m reachin’ out
I’m getting closer
But I’m pulling back at the finish line

You said “I don’t need you and I don’t want you around”
You said “I don’t want you but I think I miss you”
And you said “You’re the only thing that I’ve never been sure of.
And you said “You’re the one I love but I hate the sight of you. I hate you.”

So I’m running forward
And you’re looking back
I know you see me
So I’m pulling back
‘Cause you’re all that I need
But I can never have
You’re the flower of my garden
But I’m just a weed – that you don’t need

I’m just a weed – waiting to be killed
I’m just a weed – get rid of me.

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I don’t know what or who this one’s about. All I know is that it’s personal. I can feel it when I sing it.

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November 26, 2008 at 5:51 pm


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I feel it now. Though all this time I never thought about it. I feel a loss. I’ve lost something. Maybe the fact that I’m not in a relationship anymore is hitting me now. The reality that I can never speak to her again is sinking. Fuck. I feel so fucking stupid. It’s all my fault. I always disappoint. Sigh. I just wish I hadn’t disappointed her.

I feel like I’ve lost the oxygen that fueled my fire. I feel like I’m trying to use substitutes to make up for it. Substances rather. I hope I’m not losing myself to it. I smoked a joint today after some time – the first and last for the month. At first I felt good and jumpy. But then after eating lunch at my aunt’s place, things just sort of settled. And I could feel the weight coming down. I went to sleep after that. I was supposed to go to the beach and meet up with some friends from college but I overslept. I woke up at six. My aunt hadn’t woken me because I was in the fetal position and she thought that meant something.

I feel like I’ve let myself be disappointed too. Like I’ve indulged in hope and I should’ve known better. I felt something die inside of me when I found out the girl I was interested in thought I was too young. I felt my little bubble of hope pop. I felt a fire blow out. I don’t love her. I’m not in love with her. I don’t even know her. I’m just fascinated by her. Inspired by her. I just want to get to know her. I just want to make her smile. But even though I can still do that, I feel like it’s not enough. Maybe I’m trying too hard to move on. Ever since my first break-up I’ve moved on fast. For three months I didn’t even know if we were still going out or not. “Silence is the loudest parting word.” That line is from Amen Omen by Ben Harper. I can’t agree more. She put me through a whole month of silence, my first girlfriend. And then she talked to me spontaneously a couple of times. But after a while I realized things weren’t going back to normal. I had to move on. It wasn’t easy. I still think of her.

I feel like… I feel… like I’m still looking for something to be happy about. Because right now I have plenty of things to be upset about, but I want to feel good. I want to be optimistic. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I don’t think I can do it on my own. I need someone to show me the way. I’ve always needed a guide for these things. I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship. I just need someone to tell me I’m on the right track, or direct me to the right one if I’m not already on it. I need help.

Help me 😦

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November 21, 2008 at 9:03 pm

Bug Eyes.

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Click here to download Bug Eyes

There’s a girl sitting all alone
Her face is grieving
Why does she mourn?
She looks back at me wondering why I stare
Brushes me off but I just look right back
’cause I just wanna see that girl smile, smile, smile
Yeah, I just wanna see what she looks like when she smiles

There’s a child I see curled up in front of the TV
Watching Tom chase Jerry all around the big screen
And her eyes light up so big and wide
They brighten up the darkness that once ruled my life
So why am I afraid to get on up and say Hi? Hi. Hi.
Am I just afraid that she’ll just say goodbye? Bye. Bye.
Am I afraid she’ll pass me right on by?

And I looked at her for the umpteenth time
And she smiled at me and my mind went wild
I couldn’t help the feeling rushing inside
And I smiled, I smiled, I smiled.

And she was looking at me as I was looking at her
And every time I smiled the smile was returned
I can’t explain how goddamn good that made me feel
No, I can’t tell you how good she makes me feel

But I still don’t have the guts to say
That I wrote her a poem just the other day
So I’m singing this song in front of all of you
For no other reason than ’cause she’s here too

And now she’s looking at me as I’m looking at her
And if she smiles at me I will smile right back
And if you see me smile you’ll know that this day has turned
And I think that I might be falling for her
But I just hope she’s falling for me too
‘Cause I just wanna see that girl smile, smile, smile
Yeah, I just like it when she smiles.

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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

She says I’m too young. 😦

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November 19, 2008 at 9:40 pm

.You Know Who I am

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I’ve been here before.
You’ve seen me.
You’ve heard me.
You know me.
Though just one side of me.
What you see now,
Is a coin flipped upside down.
So while you’re still here,
Try and figure it out.
Have a listen to this:

Down to Earth by yours truly (no, that’s not the name of the artist. I mean the owner of this blog.)

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November 15, 2008 at 8:00 pm

.An Unexpected Guide

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It’s amazing how people who don’t know you or have nothing to do with you can change the way you look at life. It does nothing to them. They don’t gain or lose anything from it, but they just feel like doing something good. And they do it. That happened to me today.

I was walking back home and this guy (who I assumed was a trishaw driver) I know asked me if I would join him for a drink. I said alright since I hadn’t had one in a while. So then we started drinking. He asked me to play the guitar and then he started pointing out how I was messing up some bits. He was saying it was the cigarettes that were making my fingers shiver. He then went on to talk about the difference between alcohol and nicotine. And then he told me “Do not smoke cigarettes or joints or arrack.” If you have to just have a beer once in a while and maybe a cigarette or two with that. He said that’s all I would need. He told me to stop smoking and if anyone asks say “I don’t smoke”.

He told me that there isn’t much in this life but you have to make the best use of it. He told me to live for my family. For my brother and my mother, father, for my wife and my children. That I can go far if I give up all this. He said he was just trying to do good by showing me the way. We were both smoking at the time. I had finished mine. He then lit up a cigarette and passed it to me. I said “I don’t smoke”. I promised to him and on my mother and father that I will quit.

His name is Jagath. He lives close to my house. He works at the courts in Mount Lavinia as an apprentice to a lawyer. He hopes to move to Dubai next month. He’s trying to get a job as an ambulance driver. I hope he does get it. He asked me if I could just help him with one thing. Find him a cheap phone. All he wants is to be able to answer a call. I asked him what he wanted most about this life. He said “I hope that in my next life I will be able to build my own home and raise a daughter. That is all I want.” He was so genuine throughout the conversation. He had doubts as to whether I would smoke again. I tried my best to convince him I won’t. My parents must have told me not to smoke a thousand times, but the way this guy said it was just… I can not explain it. It was just so genuine. I wish I had recorded it. It was so unexpected. But I did take a picture though on my phone. So I will end this post with it.

Here he is : Jagath – the man that convinced me to quit smoking.


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November 14, 2008 at 6:30 pm