Subject To Change

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” Buddha


with 5 comments

I feel it now. Though all this time I never thought about it. I feel a loss. I’ve lost something. Maybe the fact that I’m not in a relationship anymore is hitting me now. The reality that I can never speak to her again is sinking. Fuck. I feel so fucking stupid. It’s all my fault. I always disappoint. Sigh. I just wish I hadn’t disappointed her.

I feel like I’ve lost the oxygen that fueled my fire. I feel like I’m trying to use substitutes to make up for it. Substances rather. I hope I’m not losing myself to it. I smoked a joint today after some time – the first and last for the month. At first I felt good and jumpy. But then after eating lunch at my aunt’s place, things just sort of settled. And I could feel the weight coming down. I went to sleep after that. I was supposed to go to the beach and meet up with some friends from college but I overslept. I woke up at six. My aunt hadn’t woken me because I was in the fetal position and she thought that meant something.

I feel like I’ve let myself be disappointed too. Like I’ve indulged in hope and I should’ve known better. I felt something die inside of me when I found out the girl I was interested in thought I was too young. I felt my little bubble of hope pop. I felt a fire blow out. I don’t love her. I’m not in love with her. I don’t even know her. I’m just fascinated by her. Inspired by her. I just want to get to know her. I just want to make her smile. But even though I can still do that, I feel like it’s not enough. Maybe I’m trying too hard to move on. Ever since my first break-up I’ve moved on fast. For three months I didn’t even know if we were still going out or not. “Silence is the loudest parting word.” That line is from Amen Omen by Ben Harper. I can’t agree more. She put me through a whole month of silence, my first girlfriend. And then she talked to me spontaneously a couple of times. But after a while I realized things weren’t going back to normal. I had to move on. It wasn’t easy. I still think of her.

I feel like… I feel… like I’m still looking for something to be happy about. Because right now I have plenty of things to be upset about, but I want to feel good. I want to be optimistic. I want to smile. I want to be happy. I don’t think I can do it on my own. I need someone to show me the way. I’ve always needed a guide for these things. I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship. I just need someone to tell me I’m on the right track, or direct me to the right one if I’m not already on it. I need help.

Help me 😦


Written by *

November 21, 2008 at 9:03 pm

5 Responses

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  1. machan life is like that.. we have our ups and downs we gotta pull thru it, u will always feel lost and alone but u got to open your eyes to what u have before u.. blessings come in disguises, so take everything in the positive way.
    i had a kind of rough night today too. Way dif from your situation but it was kinda bad..i just came home and i cant sleep its fricking 5.20am
    Sometimes we look too much for things we want to find..we never realize that they were always there.. and even if they aren’t they will one day come to u.. because everything will be ok in the end.. if its not ok then its not the end..
    ok this comment is getting a bit gay.. so anytime u wanna talk just holla!! and hang in there



    November 22, 2008 at 5:22 am

  2. *big hug*

    being in a similar boat, I really dont know what to say right now…except that you know it all..:)

    take it easy… you’re still so young… there’s so much you can do..there’s time for you to look around…

    I know it’s hard.. and I totally get you….

    take care..

    lady divine

    November 22, 2008 at 11:06 am

  3. how old?

    sorry couldnt take* yest. bad situ.

    *i said take to piss you off. i mean talkE obviously ;)/


    November 25, 2008 at 8:10 am

  4. 20 something
    I think 23…

    Fallen From Grace

    November 25, 2008 at 7:43 pm

  5. love is hard… and hard to find. i wish i could say something to make u feel better but the truth is i can’t think of what to say…if she left you just know that that means there’s room for some one new in your life. yea LD is right – u’ve got ur whole life ahead of you. and even though u feel like, right now you could never feel the sameway about another person again, trust me you will. give it time. don’t go looking for love, let love come looking for you. take care.

    who else but me

    November 27, 2008 at 8:32 pm

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