Subject To Change

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” Buddha

.dot dot dot

with 11 comments

I’ve let this blog become too impersonal. At times I feel like I’ve lost the ability to rant carelessly, about anything that I feel like, regardless of the outcome. Have I lost my voice? Or has my voice lost me? Is it still around lingering somewhere, maybe between the lines of my poetry, or the crack of my ass. (I don’t know where that came from. Strange thought. Hehe)

I feel good even though I’m lonely as hell. I sign onto msn almost always on appear offline, and I just don’t feel like saying hi to anyone. My display name is no longer St.Fallen, it’s just simply my name. For 3 years or so it used to be St.Fallen. It’s even on my bag, and even though the straps are coming off, I still use that damn bag. I feel attached to it strangely, I never take it off. When I sit down it’s on my lap, I hardly ever take it off.

Apparently I’ve changed. I’m not St.Fallen anymore according to some. I guess they’re right. When I had to delete my old blog, I realized there were a lot of problems with who I was, or rather… who St.Fallen was.
He didn’t care about the consequences of his actions, he just did them. He wrote a poem for a random woman on a bus and then gave it to her, I can’t even imagine doing that now.

I spend most of my day at college in the library, and the rest in class. I used to run around and carry a guitar, playing whatever and whenever I felt like. I barely touch it now, and even when I do I ask myself, what should I play?

I’m forgetting my songs, I’m forgetting them all. I’m forgetting myself, I’m forgetting you all. I feel so alone, without myself to cling on. I feel like just an ember of a fire that’s been doused. I feel like I could disappear, and fail to leave my mark. I feel like I have lost myself. I feel, at least I still.


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March 21, 2009 at 12:28 am

11 Responses

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  1. aint no rating i can give this one brother.. except effervescing delightful…


    March 21, 2009 at 2:07 am

  2. Hmm….lets get on the mission of finding St.Fallen and getting back on with things…..:)

    I was wondering why you didn’t appear online for a really long time… feel free to talk if you ever need to ..:)

    take care..:)

    lady divine

    March 21, 2009 at 8:28 pm

  3. Humbug !
    As if none of us was missing you. *smile
    You might consider installing a counter here, as for me I’m going to switch habits and not only check my feedreader for new entries but coming to your blog directly and every time doing so, I shall leave a little note asking silly questions, in order to push you to further action.


    Hang in there, Fallen One, you are not alone !
    We all care and send you the best wishes and vibes we can offer.


    March 21, 2009 at 10:06 pm

  4. The pills seem to be working.

    re the msn thing, I only recently discovered that damn ebuddy takes a second to make you appear offline, alerting everyone to the fact that I came online. Stupid ebuddy.

    Hang on dude, it’s just evolution. I hope.


    March 22, 2009 at 7:40 am

  5. here’s hoping you rant more like this. and frequently.

    who else but me

    March 23, 2009 at 1:27 am

  6. you will always always be my st.fallen.
    who sang to me when i was sick.. late night and made me feel better.
    the one who read me extracts off the quran and made me feel safe.

    i miss you. you frog. =D


    March 23, 2009 at 3:18 pm

  7. heyy…we all have these moments. 🙂 hugs


    March 30, 2009 at 11:40 am

  8. I get where you’re coming from. Seem to be going through the same thing.
    Hope this passes for you. And I miss those rants of yours btw.


    April 2, 2009 at 9:43 pm

  9. hmm, i haven’t looked at your blog in a really long time.. and i was reading it today when i finally got to this..
    i agree with Lady Divine, we should find St Fallen again, because he was a person who actually cared about everyone.
    A person who cared about what he did with his music, his guitar, his friends..
    I think everyone misses him.. you should to.
    And yes, you should definitely rant more.
    Lets some of us know what you’re up to or where you have been.


    April 11, 2009 at 1:07 am

  10. Here’s a hug (hug)
    Hope you feel heaps better since this has been written some time ago…

    And play that guitar around College.
    College could do with some music 🙂


    April 15, 2009 at 9:52 pm

  11. ..I want to talk to you. not St.Fallen, I wanna talk to Imaad.


    April 25, 2009 at 3:36 pm

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